Whilst I have been on my four week university semester break, I’ve been getting to read some interesting books other than psychology text books. One read that I’ve got my teeth into is ‘Pride Against Prejudice – Transforming Attitudes to Disability’ by Jenny Morris. As disability awareness and attitudes is something I am very passionate about, I am loving the book and I’m only one chapter into it!
Below is an extract from the book. It is the authors thoughts on the presumptions and preconceptions people who do NOT have a disability on the lives of people who DO have a disability. The extract parts are in bold and anything else in brackets is my thoughts or personal experiences.
Assumptions people without disabilities have about people who do have disabilities are:
That we feel ugly, inadequate and ashamed of our disability.
(Not true, I love my life, my disability is part of me!)
That our lives are a burden to us, barely worth living.
That we crave to be ‘normal’ and ‘whole’.
(I feel privileged to be in this position because I see the best and the worst of what society offers. I do wish sometimes there were some parts of my daily living that could be a bit easier but by now I’ve learnt how to live my life to what they perceive as ‘normal’)
That we are aware of ourselves as disabled in the same way that they are about us and have the same attitude to it.
That nothing can be gained from the experience.
(My life is far more enriched from experiencing disability. It has given me more maturity and character than I could ever hope for.)
That we constantly suffer and that any suffering is nasty, unjust and to be feared and retreated from.
(Suffering generally means physical pain. My personal experience of disability means that I am not suffering in pain, but I know that for some it is not the case.)
That whatever we choose to do or think, any work or pursuit we undertake is done so as ‘therapy’ with the sole intention of taking our mind off our condition.
(Not likely. I want to build a life just the same as everyone else. I w
ant friends, family, hobbies, fun, a job, a car, a dog, a house etc, just the same as them.)
That we don’t have, and never have had, any real or significant experiences in the way that non-disabled people do.
That we are naïve and lead sheltered lives.
That we can’t ever really accept our condition, and if we appear to be leading a full and contented life, or are simply cheerful, we are ‘just putting a good face on it.’
(I’m sure this statement is where a lot of pat
ronising and the words ‘amazing’, ‘inspiring’ and ‘supercrip’ get thrown around!)
This is the 'putting on a good face' experience
That we desire to emulate and achieve normal behaviour and appearance in all things.
(We do to some extent, but we are usually better at realising we are unique and there is often nothing we can do about it anyway!)
That we go about the daily necessities or pursue an interest because it is a ‘challenge’ through which we can ‘prove’ ourselves capable.
(I am probably an example of this sometimes. I LOVE to prove people wrong and give me a challenge and I will give it a go! I’ve been told by many people that I don’t need to keep proving myself, but it something that I just keep doing because I keep being tol
d by most of society that I can’t.)
That we feel envy and resentment of the able bodied.
(I think this more something people who acquire disability later on in life feel, rather than people who are born with disability.)
That we feel our condition is an unjust punishment.
(This depends on whether the person sees their
disability as a negative or positive thing. For me my disability makes me who I am. Its not punishment.)
That any emotion or distress we show can only be due to our disability and not to the same things that hurt and upset them.
(Errr… WRONG! We have emotions just like you!)
That our disability has affected us psychologically, making us bitter and neurotic.
That it’s quite amazing if we laugh, are cheerful and pleasant or show pleasure in other people’s happiness.
That we are ashamed of our inabilities, our ‘abnormalities’ and loathe our wheelchairs, crutches or other aids.
(I focus more on my abilities than my inabilities, to me what I can do is more important than what I can’t do. I fair from loathe my wheelchair. My wheelchair is what gives me the freedom to be me. Without it I would be stuck at home doing nothing. I love it so much that the old girl has a name. Her name is Polly!)
That we never ‘give up hope’ of a cure.
(Walking or finding a cure wouldn’t really help me anyway. See this article written by Stella Young about cures. It pretty much sums up my views about it.)
That the inability to walk, to see or to hear is infinitely more dreadful than any other physical aspects of disability.
(The actual notion of not being able to walk on two long, strong and tall legs is not the issue. It is consequences of that and how that affects me personally that is t
he issue.)
That we believe our lives are a ‘write off.’
That words like ‘walk’ and ‘dance’ will upset us – as if people who’ve endured what we have have fragile sensibilities.
(Words like walk and dance are not things that bother me or many others. When talking about going somewhere, I usually say in conversat
ion that I ‘walked’ down the street. I am obvious
ly meaning that I went down the street in my wheelchair but I don’t really feel its necessary to state that I ‘wheeled’ instead of ‘walked.’ Dance well, I can dance, I probably look a bit funny dancing especially when I’ve only got my upper body to work with, but heck, its still dancing!)
That when we affirm that we cannot or do not wish to do something, our judgement and preferences are overridden and contradicted as inferior to theirs.
That we are asexual or ay best sexually inade
quate.
(I want a partner, a relationship, a marriage and children one day, again, I am just like you!)
That we cannot ovulate, menstruate, conceive or give birth, have orgasms, erections, ejaculations, or impregnate.
(Unless part of our disability affects our reproductive organs, then why would this be affected?)
That if we are not married or in a long term relationship it is because no one wants us and not through our personal choice to remain single or live alone.
(It may be personal choice, or it may be that we haven’t met the right person yet.)
That if we do not have a child it must be the cause of abject sorrow to us and likewise never through choice.
(The key word here is CHOICE! It is our choice. Sometimes due to medical complications with our disability, this may be a reason why we can’t have a child, but did people forget about adoption, fostering and many other ways people can become parents these days?)
That any able bodied person who marries us must have done so for one of the following suspicious motives and never through love: desire to hide his/her own inadequacies in the disabled partner’s obvious ones; an altruistic and saintly desire to sacrifice their lives to our care; neurosis of some sort, or plain old fashioned fortune-hunting.
That if we have a partner who also has a disability, we choose each other for no other reason, and not for any other qualities we might possess.
When we choose ‘our own kind’ in this way the able bodied world feels relieved, until of course we wish to have children; then we’re seen as irresponsible.
(I hate having people automatically assume that I want to be in a relationship with someone who has a disability. Yes I might choose this option if the guy I meet has a disability, but I won’t be choosing them just because they have a disability! And about the children thing, did people ever think that if we are capable of being independent and looking after ourselves, how
much different is it going to be looking after a child? Okay so there may be something physical things we cannot do, but we’ve problem solved all our lives, we are experts at it, let us figure it out!)
That if our marriage or relationship fails it is entirely due to our disability and the difficult person this inevitably makes us, and never from the usual things that make any relationship fail.
(I am starting to feel like a broken record… WE ARE JUST LIKE YOU!)
That we haven’t got a right to an able bodied partner and that if they happen to be very obviously attractive, it’s even more of a ‘waste’.
That any able bodied partner we have is doing us a favour and that we bring nothing to the relationship.
(They obviously like us enough as a person to want to be with us, so if they didn’t why would they still be sticking around?)
That we can’t actually do anything. That we ‘sit around’ all day ‘doing nothing.’ Sitting seems to imply resting so it is presumed that we get no ‘exercise.’
(I have a life that is just as busy and productive as you, if not more busy. People with a disability seem to appreciate their abilities more than most people, so any opportunities we can, we usually grasp with our hands ever so tightly!)
That those those of use whose disability is such that we require a carer to attend to our physical needs are helpless cabbages who don’t do anything either and have nothing to give and who lead meaningless, empty lives.
That if we are particularly gifted, successful or attractive before the onset of disability our fate is infinitely more ‘tragic’ than if we were none of these things.
That we should put up with any inconvenience, discomfort and indignity in order to participate in ‘normal’ activities and events. And this will somehow ‘do us good.’
(This one probably rubs me in all the wrong directions the most! I especially hate when I am out somewhere and there is not wheelchair access into somewhere and whoever I am with says they’re happy to lift my chair into the building or assist me in some other way. Had it ever occurred to them that we want to be independent and we don’t want people doing stuff for us, just because it’s easier on them? What about our dignity? Also, why should we give the venue or the shop the satisfaction of thinking that its okay to not have proper access? They should realise they loose business by not being accessible)
That our only true scale of merit and success is to judge ourselves by the standards of their world.
That our need and right to privacy isn’t as important as theirs and that our lives need to be monitored in a way that deprives us of privacy and choice.
(I once heard someone say: ‘Having a disability is like being a celebrity without the perks!’ I would agree with that! Celebrities have to share their lives with people because their under the eye of the world, and people think they have the right to know what’s going on in their lives. With people with a disability, they just want to be noisy!)
That we are sweet, deprived little souls who need to be compensated with treats, presents and praise.
(We hate feeling like charity cases! Just because you feel sorry for us, doesn’t mean we want you to come up and shove $50 in our hand and tell us to go buy something ‘nice’ for ourselves and tell us to have a lovely day!)
ACTION: DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO ADD TO THE LIST? LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!
